Table Manners: How you eat speaks louder than what you say or wear

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

Class distinctions, cultural divides, and etiquette can be an absolute minefield – complex, deeply personal, and all too easy to judge. For nearly 30 years in the field of communication development, I’m often paid to navigate the tricky conversations most people would rather avoid. So, when it comes to this delicate topic, I feel both equipped – and finally old enough – to wade into these murky, often volatile, socially fragmented waters.

In our present era of The Kardashians, Lauren Sanchez (and her financially stable husband), there is more social pressure than ever to look expensive. With access to credit cards, cosmetic enhancements and heavily curated social media profiles, a glossy exterior is within reach for many.

What distinguishes surface from substance? What betrays you when the mirror reflects a flawless image?

Your behaviour. Your manners. And, most telling of all – how you eat. While many resist rules, social etiquette guides, demonstrates awareness and respect, and creates true freedom in our social mobility.

The Subtle Art of Sophistication

Between you and me, I believe the true test of sophistication is not found in the brand of shoes you wear, nor the car you drive, but rather in your smallest, most unconscious behaviours. And of these, table manners – how you hold your knife and fork, chew, speak, and serve others – are the ultimate giveaway. In fact, I’d argue they are the most culturally revealing and silently judged behaviours in professional and personal settings alike.

I was lucky enough to grow up in a family of what was once called “good stock”. Table manners were rigorously taught. From a young age, my parents insisted that my brother and I ate “the polite way” – with grace, gentility and discretion. Looking back now, I realise those mealtimes were more than just about food. They were training grounds for life – for diplomacy, self-control, sensitivity to others, and quiet confidence.

Why English Table Manners Set the Gold Standard

Historically, English table manners are rooted in aristocratic refinement. They weren’t just about formality – they communicated restraint, respect, and a non-verbal social code of “belonging.” In the 18th and 19th centuries, the upper classes believed that elegance in eating reflected elegance in character.

That refined tradition extended through colonial influence through much of the English-speaking world – South Africa included. Even though class structures have shifted and cultures blended, the lingering perception remains: eating with proper etiquette still signals higher education, background and ‘breeding’.

This isn’t about snobbery. It’s about what others unconsciously read into your behaviour. When someone eats politely, discretely, and gracefully, it’s calming. It signals conscious awareness and control, respect for others at the table, and a certain refinement of upbringing. When someone slurps, chews with their mouth wide open, stabs at food, or waves cutlery like weapons – it can be perceived as very jarring, off-putting, and deeply distracting.

A Lesson at the Family Table

Let me illustrate all this with a personal story. About six months ago, we were invited to Sunday lunch at my mother’s retirement village. My delightful 14-year-old niece was seated next to me. At one point during lunch, I noticed her making a common cutlery faux pas. Rightly or wrongly, I gently corrected her – thinking I was doing her a favour. Her reaction? Immediate protest.

“Table manners aren’t important to my generation!” she declared.

When I’d recovered from the shock of that strong retort, I tried to offer a deeper perspective:
“I hear you,” I replied, “but don’t you think it’s respectful to your grandmother and her guests to eat in a way that’s considerate and pleasant for everyone at the table?”

Whether that lesson landed, I may never know. But it struck me how this small exchange revealed a much bigger generational divide.

My mother has often told a similar story of her own childhood, while having lunch at her aunt’s home in Durban – being corrected by her older cousin around age 12 for cutting her bread roll instead of breaking it. That small reprimand stayed with her for life – perhaps wounding at the time, but it was an unforgettable formative etiquette lesson nonetheless.

Even within families, this is a delicate and emotionally charged subject. Because table manners are tied not just to etiquette – but to identity, belonging, pride, and class consciousness.

Why This Matters in the 21st Century

We live in an era where social mobility, image curation, and self-reinvention are all possible. From Beyoncé to the Kardashians, Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez – today’s social icons of influence are generally self-made and brand-led. There’s huge pressure to look the part. But behaviour must match branding. If not, you create dissonance – and dissonance breaks trust.

I’ve lost count of how many times someone well-dressed came into my home, only to eat with such an absence of basic eating etiquette that I couldn’t focus on anything else. It’s not a conscious judgment – it is more of an instinctive shock reaction. And it’s not their fault. We generally do what we were taught.

But here’s the communication insight:
The way you eat says more about your self-awareness and social path than you realise.

5 Common Table Manners Mistakes to Avoid

Mastering basic table etiquette isn’t about snobbery.  It’s about showing consideration, self-awareness, and grace in social and professional settings. Here are ten common gaffes to avoid if you want to make a polished impression:

1. Holding Cutlery Correctly
   Your fork belongs in your left hand, knife in your right. Rest your index finger along the back of each implement – not clenched in a fist or held like a pencil. Elegant hands make for elegant eating.
2. Gesturing with Utensils
   Avoid pointing or waving your knife or fork around like a wand to emphasise a point – it’s intrusive and vulgar. Keep your cutlery on the plate when you’re not using them.
3. Resting Cutlery Incorrectly
   When pausing during your meal, rest your knife and fork neatly at 5 and 7 o’clock on the plate. This looks far more refined than the clunky 3 and 9 o’clock position, which creates visual tension and imbalance.
4. Talking with Your Mouth Full
   This universally offends – it’ looks gross, is hard to understand, and it shows a lack of self-regulation. Wait until you’ve swallowed before speaking.
5. Elbows on the Table or Slouching
   While elbows may rest on the table between courses in informal settings, avoid leaning in while eating. Sit upright and bring the food to your mouth – not your mouth to the plate.
6. Using Fingers When Cutlery Is Required
   Unless you’re at a barbecue or picnic, leave the finger-food behaviour behind. Items like ribs or bread rolls may be exceptions, but even chips and asparagus should be approached with modest decorum when at formal events. Conversely, your knife is not a tool to open little plastic butter containers.
7. Eating Too Fast or Out of Sync with Others
   Meals are shared rituals. Gobbling down food while others are still midway through their first course signals impatience and poor social awareness.
8. Incorrect Napkin Use
   Your napkin belongs on your lap as soon as you’re seated. Don’t tuck it into your collar and never use it to blow your nose. Dab your mouth gently – don’t scrub.
9. Over-seasoning Before Tasting
   Reaching for the salt and pepper before tasting the food can be seen as an insult to the cook. Take a bite first – it shows appreciation and open-mindedness.
10. Reaching Across Others for Food
    Always ask for items to be passed rather than stretching over someone else’s plate.

5 Tips for Elegant Table Conduct

1. Follow the “outside-in” rule for cutlery – Start with the outermost fork/spoon and work inward.
2. Break bread rolls with your hands – At more formal tables, never cut them. Use butter knives if provided.
3. Place cutlery correctly when finished – Parallel vertical position on your plate (not crossed or splayed).
4. Chew with your mouth closed and avoid noisy slurping or sipping.
5. Serve others before yourself when dishes are passed around – it’s a welcome gesture of grace.

Final Thoughts and Call to Action

The uncomfortable truth is this: people do judge. And when all is said and done, what you say or wear may fade – but your behaviour at a table leaves a lasting impression.

Manners don’t cost money. They require observation, sensitivity and practice. And in a world where appearances are easily manufactured, behaviour is the last frontier of authenticity.

At Communication Guru, we help leaders and professionals align their personal brand with their presence, their influence, and their actions. Table etiquette is one of the subtlest – yet most revealing – tools in that alignment.

If you want to be taken seriously, respected widely, and trusted deeply – your knife and fork matter more than you think.

Your future reputation is built – one meal at a time.

If you’d like to explore leadership presence training, communication coaching or etiquette workshops for your team or young colleagues, reach out to us at john@johnfrench.co.za.